It’s so good to see you: supporting someone after a suicide attempt
NOTE: If suicidal thoughts are troubling you or this article unsettles you, please reach out for some help. Talk with someone you trust, see a doctor or counsellor, or call 1737 to speak to a trained counsellor, available 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
This is part of a helpful series of weekly articles and stories on Mental Wellbeing presented by Suzie Baird and Tricia Hendry to help the Church build our knowledge, understanding, and skills to strengthen our communities.
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Following on from our previous articles, we are continuing our series on suicide. When someone we know has attempted to take their own life, how can we supportively respond? How can we be light bearers as they come through their darkness?
Acknowledge your feelings
Hearing the news that a member of your family/whānau or a friend has attempted suicide is shocking and confronting. You’re likely to feel great concern, sadness, and compassion for the person. You might experience other mixed feelings too, like guilt, fear, shame, anger, whakamā, resentment, and blame. Sometimes, if you are close to the person that has attempted suicide, you may blame yourself or think back to what you could have done differently. It is important to remember that someone attempting is not your fault. Take time to care for yourself and everyone involved. All these reactions are normal but stressful and emotionally draining.
Accept the person’s reactions
For the person that has attempt suicide, they may experience a mixture of feelings too. They could be relieved, but they might also have feelings of guilt, confusion, frustration, anger, fear, embarrassment, shame, or whakamā. Some can feel ambivalent. Some may be determined to try again, which can be hard to hear. Whatever is shared with you, don’t assume you know how they’ll be feeling and accept them where they’re at. It is important to avoid anything that may cause your loved one to withdraw because you want to keep the line of communication open. How you react now, can build up trust and allow your loved one to be honest if they are struggling again.
Remember how God sees those in mental distress
As discussed in our last article, God definitely understands mental distress and suicidal thinking. If you’re feeling angry and judgemental, ask God to help you to see the person through his eyes. How would Jesus respond to this person if he was sitting with them?
“At first everyone was really on edge around me. Where was the usual laughter I was looking forward to? Then one of them said, ‘Look, we don’t know how to do this. What would help you most right now?’ And all of a sudden, I felt safer – and one of them again.”
Unhelpful reactions
Research tells us that survivors of suicide attempts often find others’ reactions unhelpful and even harmful at times. Responses to avoid include: panicking, criticising, name-calling, moral outrage, gossiping, preaching or lecturing at the person, blaming, shaming them, making them feel guilty, avoiding them, rejection, minimising, pretending it didn’t happen, or offering cliches and quick-fix tips. Instead, compassionately keep focused on their needs and ask them how you can best support them.
“You will be wondering whether they are okay, whether you can trust them and if it will happen again. As hard as it is, try to accept what has happened and focus on how you can support them now.”
Finding words to say
Let the person know you care and want to support them …
I’m sorry things got so bad and dark for you. I’m very glad you’re still here.
You’re very important to me/us. I’m/we’re here for you.
You’re not alone and you can always talk to me if you need to.
I want to help. How can I support you best right now?
Find ways to show them they’re loved, cared about, accepted, listened to, and respected. Gently check with them who knows what’s happened and who doesn’t, and if they want this to be kept as a private or not.
Recovery takes time
The pathways to recovery are different for every person. Be patient and understanding. Remember, any suicide attempt signals the person has been struggling with an intense level of psychological pain. Such pain won’t have suddenly disappeared. Setbacks or slow progress can happen. Recovery may take longer than we hoped for. Pray for their steady recovery. For more information, see our articles on recovery, “Taking the first steps towards recovery” and “The road back to wellness.”
Recovery should be directed by the person themselves, as much as possible. Ideally, it can involve ongoing support from family, whānau, and friends, as well as health and mental health professionals and community support networks, as relevant. If the person has injuries or medical conditions as a result of the attempt, these will need attention and time to heal.
The person can be supported to find strategies and more confidence to manage suicidal thoughts if or when they return. The risk for suicide will remain elevated for some, especially in the year that follows. Perhaps familiarise yourself with the warning signs of suicidal thoughts.
Connection counts
During their crisis, the person may have seen themselves as completely alone, or as a burden for others. Connecting with them regularly demonstrates that they’re valued and enjoyed by others. Never underestimate how much just connecting in and ‘being there’ can encourage, help decrease stress, and renew hope. If you can’t be there in person, there’s the phone, text, social media, skype, zoom - and perhaps a card in the mail!
Support their recovery
Be available. Tell them you’re there for them to talk to or just spend time with. For your own wellbeing, remember not to be their only support person.
Ask them how you can best support them right now.
Encourage them to use the help of health and mental health professionals and follow through on recommended steps. Maybe offer to help them make appointments or get to them or collect any prescriptions.
Try to understand their feelings and perspective. Help them feel heard.
Empower them to make positive self-care choices, including healthy eating, good rest and sleep, and some exercise.
Encourage them to do some relaxing, enjoyable activities.
Be willing to talk honestly. Don’t avoid the hard things in their life. Honesty can be a big relief when difficult things build up inside. If they don’t want to talk, you might not be the right person. That’s okay. Ask who they’d prefer to talk to.
Don't give up on them if it’s an up and down time for a while, or they withdraw.
Be a hope broker. Reassure them things can get better for them, step by step. Speak positively of them. Notice the positives in their life. Remember Psalm 23. You do not have to be an expert. You can just be you, with Jesus by your side.
Helpful resources
After a suicide attempt (NZ Mental Health Foundation)
Guiding their way back (Every Mind Australia)
The Most Important Truth About Suicide Is the One You’ve Never Heard (Eduardo Vega - Huffpost)
A REMINDER: If suicidal thoughts are troubling you or this article unsettles you, please reach out for some help. Talk with someone you trust, see a doctor or counsellor, or call 1737 to speak to a trained counsellor, available 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
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Suzie Baird is a mental health advocate. She has lived experience of mental distress that helps her to support others and educate those wanting to understand more. She attends Lyall Bay Community Church, an Anglican pioneer mission unit.
Tricia Hendry is a writer and educator specialising in issues relating the mental health and resilience. She has many years’ experience supporting others through mental health and trauma challenges. She attends All Saints, Hataitai.
