Helping to prevent suicide – who me?
NOTE: If suicidal thoughts are troubling you or this article unsettles you, please reach out for some help. Talk with someone you trust, see a doctor or counsellor, or call 1737 to speak to a trained counsellor, available 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
This is part of a helpful series of weekly articles and stories on Mental Wellbeing presented by Suzie Baird and Tricia Hendry to help the Church build our knowledge, understanding, and skills to strengthen our communities.
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“I’m still here because someone had a hard conversation with me.
Finally, I had someone to tell.” – Robbie
The Bible never avoids talking about life’s darkness as well as its goodness. It mentions, without any judgment at all, that seven people took action to end their own lives when their mental pain exceeded their capacity to bear it, including King Saul and Judas. It also honestly talks about the acute mental distress of some who contemplated taking their own lives but found fresh hope and recovered well, including Moses, Job, Jeremiah, the guard holding Paul and Silas in prison, Rebekkah, David, Jonah, and Elijah.
Psalm 94:18 also reminds us God is there for us in the toughest of times. David wrote “When I said, ‘My foot is slipping,’ your unfailing love, Lord, supported me.” There are times when God does this for others through us – through our words, actions, love and care. Or perhaps for us, through others. Each of us can play a part in suicide prevention.
Things to look out for…
Most people considering suicide will try to let someone know, but not always directly. Warning signs can sometimes be subtle and easily missed. Some may try to hide what they’re dealing with and pretend they’re fine. If you do notice that someone shows several of the following warning signs they might not be suicidal at all, but they might be and it’s important to check this out:
Talking about wanting to die; threatening; talking about a detailed plan
Preoccupied with death
Talking about feeling hopeless, having no way out of problems, no reason to live
Saying they’re a burden to others, worthless, alone, guilty, shamed
Giving away personal items; organising personal affairs
Saying goodbyes and thank you to friends and family
Changes in behaviour, such as isolating, withdrawing from others, not coping with stresses, significant mood changes, self-harming, using drugs or alcohol to cope, losing interest in things usually enjoyed
Stopping taking any needed medication
A sudden positive change in their mood, which seems confusing.
If you’re worried, always ask the person
Never assume you know. Ask them. Have a caring conversation. Supportively and gently ask a direct question like… “You don’t seem yourself. I can see things are really hard for you right now. Are you having any thoughts about suicide?”
Or: “Do you ever think about giving up? Have you thought about suicide or taking your own life?”
If you can’t have this conversation, find someone who can.
If they say yes, then be B.R.A.V.E.
The Pasifika Mental Health agency Le Va has developed this helpful approach…
B – Be calm and breathe deeply. (Some quick arrow prayers may help now too.)
R – Reassure them. Let them know they’re not alone. Tell them you’re there for them. Take them seriously and say that you know how serious this is.
A – Allow them to talk. Listen to them, without judgment. This is their opportunity to tell you how they feel. Don’t interrupt them. Show your care is real. Use eye contact and nodding while they talk to show you’re listening. Ask some open ended questions to encourage the conversation, such as: “How long have you been feeling like this? Have you felt like this before?”
It can be extremely hard to listen to someone talk about wanting to die but don’t jump into the middle of what they’re saying. Let them feel heard.
V – Validate their feelings. Whatever their feelings and thoughts currently are, accept them. You could say things like… “I can hear what you’re saying. It sounds incredibly hard for you. It must be scary to feel like this. I’ve been really worried about you, so thanks for trusting me and being honest. It must be hard opening up. I’m here for you.”
Avoid looking shocked.
Don’t minimise their pain.
Never judge, lecture, debate, or talk about what others might think.
Never make a deal to keep it a secret – there may come a time you need to tell others if they need help.
Never ever dare a person to do it, thinking this will snap them out of it. This is very dangerous.
Let them know they won’t always feel like they do right now. Help and support is here for them. Remind them that they’re not doing it alone, that you are with them and will support them. Sit with them in the pain and don’t try to fix it – remember that we walk alongside others.
E – Ensure their safety. As they talk, listen carefully for any intentions to follow through on suicidal thoughts. If you sense any, ask them to confirm what they are. Explain that, to help them keep themselves safe, you will support them to get the right help they need. If they show reluctance, ask if there’s someone else they’d prefer to talk with instead. (The phone line 1737 gives access to a trained counsellor 24/7.)
Ask them what would be most helpful for them right now.
Identify together who they know who could support them. Consider family, whānau, friends, church family, or professionals such as a counsellor, social worker, doctor, or mental health worker.
Together, plan next steps, including contacting help.
If there’s any immediate risk of harm
Call 111 or go with them to the nearest emergency department (ED) or medical centre.
Stay with them until help comes. This may be some time.
Ask them if there’s anyone they’d like with them.
If they have anything they could harm themselves with, ask them to give it to you.
Any time you do something to help build up the strength of others you’re helping to prevent suicide. From taking social action to encouraging a friend, it all counts.
God, give us the courage to be there for others in suicidal distress. Help us to offer them your love - and our care. Fill us with your compassion and wisdom. Use us to help keep them safe and find hope again. Amen.
Read more about Le Va’s B.R.A.V.E. approach here.
https://www.leva.co.nz/our-work/suicide-prevention/finding-help/worried-about-someone/what-to-say
By Tricia Hendry
A REMINDER: If suicidal thoughts are troubling you or this article unsettles you, please reach out for some help. Talk with someone you trust, see a doctor or counsellor, or call 1737 to speak to a trained counsellor, available 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
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Suzie Baird is a mental health advocate. She has lived experience of mental distress that helps her to support others and educate those wanting to understand more. She attends Lyall Bay Community Church, an Anglican pioneer mission unit.
Tricia Hendry is a writer and educator specialising in issues relating the mental health and resilience. She has many years’ experience supporting others through mental health and trauma challenges. She attends All Saints, Hataitai.
